The New Adventures of the Old Me

Hello, dearest reader! I know: most of you are probably thinking, “Wait….WHO are you again?” I’m so incredibly absent-minded, there is no rhyme or reason to when I sit my big booty down to write! That’s part of the reason why my public name is HappilyRandom. I’m happy (most of the time) and amazingly random (ALL the DAMN time)! So, let’s begin this journey.

As you may or may not know, I am single after 15 years with the same person. I didn’t choose it, but it happened. It’s been about 7 months now and every day it becomes easier and easier. Currently, I am single and enjoying it! Don’t get me wrong: I would absolutely love to go out on a REAL date and enjoy the company of a wonderful person, but I truly don’t believe I’m ready for that yet. I’m starting out all over again and have to get my footing and bearings right. I am not currently where I want to be, but I have goals. And thanks to amazing parents, I am even more sure of them.

About a two weeks ago, I journeyed from Maryland to New Mexico, by way of El Paso, to see my mom and dad. I hadn’t seen them for over 5 years!! Now, see, this is unheard of for me. My parents and I are very close and being away from them all this time has been hard. When I found myself single, I needed them more than ever! I had little to no support at home family-wise. Plus…I was hurting. Every girl needs her mommy and daddy when she’s hurting. Just someone to hold her and tell her she really is going to be okay. So, off I went.

Well, not exactly. You see, money is not growing on any trees for me, so this trip took A LOT of planning and prepping. In fact, I was going to see both my good friend get married and then hop on over to mom and dad. However, my pocketbook said “HAHA! Nice try, loser! Where do you think the money for all that is going to come from?? The sky?!?” So, I had to compromise. Still…that took three months of planning and saving money and organizing. This was the first time I ever had to plan something like this on my own…ever. Good God, I’m 34! You wouldn’t think this would be so hard. How do I even dress myself???

(By the way, is this adulting? I think I adulted. I should get an award for adulting. Like…a blue ribbon or something.)

So, I made the trip. It was hell to and from, but…it was worth it! I loved seeing my Dad waiting for me when I got off of the escalator at the airport. I didn’t cry but I was so happy! Then, of course, my Mom was recording the whole thing on her phone. It was so typical…and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. She even complained in old-lady fashion about “the stupid phone”. I laughed. I spent ten glorious days with my parents, talking about everything from food to politics to religion to aromatherapy to stupid movies (absolutely made my dad watch “Commando” because, well….Arnold Schwarzenagger and totally 80’s action flicks are a must!)

When I’m with my family, I am truly me. Silly, goofy, ridiculous, talkative, laughing, me. The OLD me. The me that used to shine through on the bitter, cold days of every day life. The me that would be the funny one just to make someone else’s day brighter even if I felt like I wasn’t going to make it to tomorrow. I will not lie about my struggles with weight and depression. But I will also not dwell on them, for they did not and DO NOT define me. Even at the place of rock bottom, where hell is just one sleepless, lonely night away, I will not stay there and be taken down into the darkness. I will remember the fact that there are people who love me for all that I am, flaws included. They are my family; my mom; My Daddy; Rudy and Donna. In the end, “the ones who matter don’t mind and the ones who mind don’t matter”

Love you ALL!

HappilyRandom

 

 

The Long Awaited Return of the Girl on Fire

Well, finally! I actually get to put my thoughts down on paper! Well, sort of paper. I’m virtually typing my thoughts onto a white format that resembles paper, but…anyway! Still, this is a most blessed gift from my mother, Donna, and Rudy, who did this as an early Christmas/birthday/anniversary gift (and my mother noted “for the next, like, 15 years, ok?”) This could not be a better gift. I can finally let everything flow freely, quickly. It’s…it’s…GREAT! I know you, dear readers, can see me jumping up and down with joy (ah, the visual!).

So, where the hell did I leave off? Oh, yea. So, things have been tumultuous and topsy-turvy for the last 4 years. I have moved 4 times, had 3 different jobs and life has seemed so shitty that I thought someone had mistaken me for a port-a-potty. My fiancé and I have been through some trying times; times that have tested my resolve and my will to carry on. Yes. That sounds just as it should. I contemplated suicide on several occasions. Tears flowed like a river and there was no damming them up. M fiancé, Chris, did the best he could, but he had his own demons to combat with chronic illness and depression. So, I was drowning in my own tears, gasping for air and anything that could pull me out of the dismal abyss I was in. But I felt nothing. Just emptiness. I thought “How can this world hate me so much? Did my Lord and Lady leave me alone and desperate on a barren landscape, cursed?” As you may or may not know, I am a witch. A lousy one, but one nonetheless. I have a few supplies and no real altar, but I make do with what I have. So, as a witch, wallowing in loneliness and feeling no presence of the Goddess resolved me to contemplate ending my life.

One night after some talking with Chris, we ventured onto our phones and I played around with a credit report app. Come to find out, I’m in gargantuan debt. Fucking lovely. Just keep piling on the crap, huh? Still a damn port-a-shitter! Of course, Chris wants to know what his is and, after fiddling around, we get the crazy news that he is, after 10 miserable years, completely DEBT FREE. I was so very happy for him because the man I love has struggled for so long with the feelings of depression. It is very hard to go from being an independent, self-employed individual with a very successful business to someone dependent on others and dealing with disability. We smiled and I hugged him and we bid each other goodnight. Then, I cried. I was so miserable. I felt horrible because my happiness for Chris was overshadowed by own misery over my huge debt. I finally passed out (crying tends to weaken your ability to stay awake). Suddenly, it was 3:46 in the morning and I’m wide awake. As I lay there, this incredibly feeling of absolute and warming calm came over me. It was like someone had laid a blanket of unconditional love over me and I KNEW that this will all pass. “Things will get better”, I hear a voice say. I sit up and look around; NO ONE is there and then I realize the voice is coming from inside me, inside my own head. “Have faith, my child. Stay strong. Smile. One day at a time. Things are getting better!” I can’t help but smile from ear-to-ear and I lay my head down and slept without a care in the world.

Now, you’re thinking “she’s a fucking nut” and yes, that is true. I’m crazy to think I should end my life when all this crud in my life is temporary. Like a quote I saw a friend share “This, too, shall pass. It may move like a fucking kidney stone, but it will pass.” Yes, all of this hurts. The pain in my soul and my heart is heavy, but I will live through it. It will leave scars deep. But I will survive and I will become the master of my destiny.

Hold on, my lovelies. Hold on and if you need to, take my hand. I offer it to you. Both our hands may be shaky and worn, but together, we are fortified. Together, we are an unbreakable chain, forged in fire after fire. Take care and don’t let the fire consume you. Instead, let it strengthen your resolve and your will to carry on.

Just words, Nothing more

Take my hand
Fall with me
Into the place where dreams are born
Look beyond the shadow
The light is like a pin prick
In the blackest fabric of life
Cover me in your sadness
Let me be your swan song
Melody of your life

Don’t Be So Damn Hateful, Woman!

Today, a coworker said that “it should be illegal for a doctor to do surgery to change what you were born with. A man is a man. A woman is a woman. You don’t get to choose. Like Kaitlyn Jenner. That’s just disgusting. If it were up to me,  those docs would be fired for doing what they did to HIM (making sure to emphasize that pronoun). Keep whatcha got, pal. This isn’t pick and choose, you know what I mean? ” All of this she said in front of a patient. Something you SHOULDN’T. EVER. DO. I can tell you, with all honesty….I almost hurt someone today. Physically. With my fists.
Right now, I’ll just say this:
First off, that is a completely inappropriate conversation to be having with a customer/client/patient/any human being. You just don’t do that. Keep it professional when you are in a professional setting. At the bar with friends? Fine. In an office setting with different types of individuals coming and going throughout the day where being courteous and professional is a must? NOPE. WRONG. You don’t talk about things like that. Doesn’t matter if the person you said it to agrees or not. There may very well be someone there that doesn’t and you could offend them. Not saying you don’t have a right to free speech, just saying you need to think about the consequences of what you say. It goes against policy, so don’t say it.
Secondly….. shut up, lady! Just shut it. What any transgendered person does to their own body to match the way they have felt (and have truly been all along) has nothing to do with you. Nothing. They aren’t trying to change your sex, OK? Trust me. Show some damn respect. End of story. And now, end of my rant!

The Truth Hurts…Me

Sometimes, when I wake up in the middle of the night due to the aches and pains I have acquired over these last 5 years, I realize I’m dying, slowly and painfully. And then, I go back to sleep, saying “I’ll do something about it tomorrow” and wake up…doing nothing. That night, the cycle repeats. Other times, if I’m really lucky, I’ll get no sleep and lay there crying because of how fucked up my life has become. I eat to hide the feelings and myself. Unfortunately, I’m noticed because, well, I’m fat. No ifs, ands or no ways: I am categorically OBESE. But each night, each day, I go on like it’s all a bad dream and not really happening. The Great Pretender.

I figure it’s time to stop pretending since there is a lump in my breast and my thyroid seems to be a bit enlarged. Now, the lump could be scar tissue from an accident last year…or it could be something different entirely. I don’t know. I’ve had it for a while and I just…let it go.

I am scared, no doubt. But if I DO NOT do anything, I will regret it for the rest of my life, however long or short.

Once, when I was 15, I used to imagine being dead before I was 40. I never saw a long life ahead of me and figured I would be a single mother if at all. Now that I am 30 and people my age are dying, I find I don’t really want that to be my fate. So here’s to getting my shit together!

Too Smart for Sub Par

Too Smart for Sub Par.

Too Smart for Sub Par

Hello, lovelies! What an epiphany I’ve had! Now that pretty much everything in my life has gone down to the crapper (no car, no money, debt up to my armpits, a job I like but do not love and a relationship that is, well, not a relationship), I have realized when you have the least is when you have the most! Not really, but it helps to believe that 🙂 I have found that what I am putting myself through is not worthy of who I am. I am too smart to be living a sub par life! I have so much creativity, intelligence and zest for life that I feel like I’m losing myself in all this monotony and “everydayness”. I know there are some things that one just “must” do, but living life as a cog in a wheel is NOT for me. So, I’m on my own, working to filter out the things I “must ” do to be normal and seek out the things to be extraordinary. Watch me catch fire and dance around the bonfire that ensues!

Untitled Book, Chapter One Snippet

She saw him before he saw her and that was a mistake. His eyes caught her, staring, and the way the resentment and disgust washed over his face is waves was soooooo obvious. What went wrong? Why did it still bother her that he walked out on her? It was his loss, his mistake. Why did she feel like she should be the one to say “I’m Sorry”. “Because you lied”, came that ever persistent and absolutely annoying voice inside her world weary mind. Fuck! Why did she have to be born with a conscience? I’d be just fine without it, she thought briefly.

Slowly, deliberately, she inched to the doorway of the cafe, only to bump into some big, grumpy construction guy who smelled like rubber and aftershave. “Hey, watch it, chick!” Chick? Chick?!? Hmmph. Jerk off!, she thought. Then she noticed HIM walking towards her, backing her into that proverbial corner. Damn, what do I do? Just go with it , Lily. Don’t be a wuss.

“Well, hello, Lillian.” It sounded so curt and formal. Well, two can play at this.

“Hello, Franklin.”

“Now, Lil, don’t call me that. I’m Dad, remember?”, he said with that slick tone he uses only when trying to one up somebody. Whatever!

“Um, gee, Dad.” He hates my sarcasm. “You kinda lost the privilege of being my father when you walked out 5 years ago to go be a big shot star out in Hollywood and left me literally ON MY OWN.” She was raising her voice, and some of the people getting their morning wake up in the cafe looked over at her with bleary eyed contempt. Oh well. Screw ’em.

Letting Go of Fear and the Fear of Letting Go

No matter how hard one tries to deny it, sometimes fear is comfortable. It means not having to admit something doesn’t work or that you did make a mistake and should not have done what you did. It means you can continue to make the same mistakes or break promises again and again and again, just to say “I’m sorry, I’m scared”. It’s amazing how much bullshit is in such a short sentence.

I have been lying to myself and someone I love for too long. It scares me to death to admit that, and I do not want to lose that person. But…it’s just not working between us. I was being foolish pretending we were okay and working towards a better future. These things happen and I am terrified of where my life is headed without them. But c’est la vie, yes?

What Do You Do When the Laughter Stops?

Staying true to myself has proven harder than I imagined. I find that I gloss over the truth of a situation in order to save myself, either from pain or disappointment; not that the pain or disappointment stays away very long. Nay, the sorrows come howling back, ten fold!!

I will hide and run and scream away the anxieties of my life and it always causes more…depression.

I do not know where my life is headed because I have let something else take the wheel and now I’m off kilter, off track.

I need to admit to myself what I need the most to survive. Some of those things I need may hurt at first, but it’s all “growing pains”, right? I cannot go forward in life if I allow my fear and frustration to fog my path.

I will search deep within myself to find the strength needed to do the hardest things I cam imagine doing.